Online Dating, 'chemistry,' and what makes the world go round

I had a friend of mine send me an interesting question about online dating, 'chemistry,' and whatnot and, with her permission of course, I decided I would post up our thread here (all names except for mine were excluded to protect those involved =P)

Friend: So I need your opinion. Why do guys place such an emphasis on instant chemistry? Since you told me you didn't feel any chemistry, I heard that from 2 other guys. I have 3 girlfriends who are also trying online meeting/dating and they keep hearing the same thing!! These are gorgeous, intelligent, successful women, and men are so quick to blow out after a brief meeting. Sure, no doubt chemistry IS important, but I think for girls it's much more than that, and for us chemistry comes after just one meeting. What is it that guys are expecting? Do you think it's realistic? Or is it just hormones that drives a man, then they'll decide later on if the girl is halfway intelligent to date?

Me: Hey there! Well this isn't a small question and definitely not one that I think would be well contained in email, but I'll answer a bit here and then if you like, we can chat about it via phone if you would like to converse about it.
This is really a tough question because honestly, everybody is different. Yeah, not exactly what you want to hear, but it's true, and what drives a person to say that the 'chemistry' is not right means something different to everyone. Hell, even this weekend, i was talking with a girl and she explained about a 'hollywood, explosions' type of chemistry that she had only twice in her life and that's what she's allowing to guide her on her romantic path. 'hollywood explosions' I think is probably what everyone would ideally like to have, but a lot of us realize that this might not be quite reality all the time (and it doesn't tell us what everyday life is going to be like with that person, the little things). That may sound a little sad to the romantic in all of us, but honestly, getting to 'hollywood explosions' via another route is obviously totally viable (and what I believe you're talking about).
To have a true, deep connection with someone, instantly, is special. But it doesn't always have to be romantic. Now how scary is that? Not that it's not romantic, but that you would devote so much of your emotional capacity to someone whom you are not romantically involved with, yet, I think, personally, it's necessary, because the people who are in our lives, that we depend on and love, need to have some of that emotional capacity if we are truly to be complete in ourselves!
In any case, back to the question, a lot of men are most definitely driven by hormones and if they don't instantly feel physical, sexual attraction to a girl, that's enough to call it. That's not to say they're wrong because that is definitely an important part of any healthy relationship (personal opinion!), but some guys are looking for a lot more (at least the ones who are looking for something more long-term and worth a dime).
I can't tell you much of other people's search, but I can tell you that personally, I am looking for someone who I am definitely physically attracted to, but more important than that, someone who I have really great, intellectual AND completely stupid and base banter with, who I'm comfortable being myself with. Attraction definitely grows if there's a mental/emotional connection. I'm looking for a feeling (hooked on a feelingg... lala la) as i think most people are. I'm also looking for someone who's open and still feeling her way about the world and open to new experiences and is actively out there looking for them herself, someone who doesn't necessarily need to define herself by me and is comfortable in herself, knows who she is and where she wants to go and wouldn't mind having a companion along the road. That's obviously not something that a person just says out loud and you believe, but it's definitely something you can figure out fairly honestly with a good long conversation or conversations/experiences together. These are all things that I like in myself.
I've found that lately, I'm really happy with the person I am, right now. I'm comfortable with what I can and cannot do, who I am and who I am not. I want to feel like the woman I'm with is not necessarily at the exact same place in her life's journey, but somewhere pretty close where I am so that we can relate and continue along the path at roughly the same starting point. Now for a guy like me, I'm finding also that faith and not just faith, but my particular religion is important to me as well, and that's something that I want to be able to share and walk together with a person with as well and to be able to talk about those things openly and honestly are important qualities to find (this is one I'm struggling with specifically with someone in my life now)! Those are the things that I want to be able to see in a woman and those are the things that attract me. What is it for other guys? I can't tell you for certain unfortunately, but I can tell you that hopefully, the men that you and your friends are meeting feel somewhat like I do because otherwise, what's the point?
There are a lot, I mean a lot, of assholes out there (men AND women) and you and your girlfriends are just going to run into them over and over again. That's the process. Hopefully though, there are a few in there sprinkled in that aren't and are worth some of your emotional capacity whether it be romantic or friendly, because we all need both for sure.
So anyways, instant chemistry? well, i can't tell you what drives person A and person B, but I can tell you that if you know what you're looking for (honestly know), then chemistry isn't necessarily defined as an instant feeling, but one you can develop even over a long conversation or date based on what you can honestly say to yourself that you're looking for. It's not completely a checklist of attributes per se, but if that someone can start getting you to make a new checklist of things that only pertain to him (her), then well, maybe you've got something.
whew! long one, so anyways, feel free to chew that over and tell me what you think or how stupid you think I sound, etc etc, please feel free to be honest and open with me on it all! I'm happy to chat about it!

Friend: No, I completely agree with your points!! I think we're all looking at it that way. I wonder if it's online thing... To immediately stop talking to someone if you don't feel that instant spark. Neither my girlfriends nor I have run into this problem in our 15+ years of dating and online is the only new equation. Hmm, maybe this could be a book?!? Then i'll sell the book for a movie script!! Haha!!

Me: If you write it, I want some credit!
I think the online thing DOES put a new variable into the equation because you are presented with WAY more information about a person BEFORE you actually meet them in person than you ever have in the past. If you met someone for the first time in real life, you don't know anything about them, you have no way of preforming ideas of who this person is and what to compare it to.
With online, you have a LOT of information about the person and depending on their ability to write about themselves, you can get a REALLY good feel for what their personality MIGHT be in person - you essentially start off the relationship in a MUCH different point than if you were to just happen to meet randomly and that most definitely paints the situation differently. (you also have the situation where the person completely misrepresents himself/herself online and you figure that out pretty quickly too)


So anyways, any thoughts out there?

Eat. Think. Eat

So I'm sitting here taking a break on a Saturday night, just catching up on some shows and honestly, just trying to slow my 1098102938 mph life for a moment in time. What am I watching? well, what else? Anthony Bourdain, no reservations of course! And what's the topic or place of eats you ask? Obsessed.
Now I like to think I'm pretty freakin obsessed with food. I really do. I really am. But as they say, there's always someone more ____ than you. I agree.
Right now on the show, he's going through a little vignette on three food bloggers and well, what else, eating with them. Anthony Bourdain makes a set of comments as each blogger takes out a camera and snaps shots of the food and AB asks, at what point do you just enjoy the food? There's obsessed and then there's letting your amazing food get cold and not as good as when it first comes out!!
Now I am DEFINITELY one to take pictures of my food because honestly, it's beautiful stuff, not just visually, but mentally. I am definitely of the opinion that you need to feast with your eyes and mind before you eat and especially when I'm cooking, I like to set up each guest mentally and visually before serving because it's an EXPERIENCE, not just eating, but an experience.
But there have been occasions when I forget to whip out the camera and occasions when I specifically do NOT take it out because I know there's something special in front of me.
Usually, it's not just amazing food that I want to devote all my time and energy at THAT specific time on, but it's also ridiculously amazing company that I want to devote all my time and energy on as well.
I just came back from NYC eating at arguably the most amazing meal that I've had in my life at PER SE, and I remember making what seems to me now, an absolutely absurd comment. We had great banter with our server and at one point in the night I said something along the lines of, "this food is amazing and wonderful, but it's just food, I am enjoying the experience because of the company, I am here for the company and getting to enjoy this with the amazing people in my life." Shocking. Me, David, dismissed the food in favor of the company! And you know what, I didn't once take my camera out (luckily one of my friends did), but I was absolutely caught up in the moment of that meal, that company, and it was in a word, fun.
I have to admit, without the fantastic company that I keep when I eat, it just wouldn't make any sense. If I can't share the experience with people, both those I love and care about and the new strangers who become fast friends because of the experience, then this obsession would mean absolutely nothing to me.
So to all those out there that I am honored to share food and drink with, salud! Let's have another ;)

Simple.

Simple joys. I want to live seeking the simple joys of life. Those moments that put a true smile to one's face, simple, pure, unadulterated. You know the one, things tend to shine, sparkle, if only for a moment, it's all you need. When you can reach down to the depths of your soul and find that one grain of truth, true joy. We look and marvel at children because that is exactly what you see in their eyes, their actions, their love. Close your eyes and just reach; reach for that moment where nothing else matters. Be simple, clean. Two people truly in love, caught in the moment. Anticipation as grandmother prepares your favorite dish with love. That one biteful that you can close your eyes and just remember. The kindness of strangers. The gentle caress of the wind of a cool spring day, with the scent of love, the sound of nothing, and all the thoughts of a blank canvas in your head.
A simple touch, a kiss, sweet, light, fleeting.

what I want

Can I just live a fun, simple, and honest life with fun, simple, and honest people in it? No games, no crap, just people who want to be respectful, want to be honest and open. Say what you mean, mean what you say. No one says that life can't be fun and spontaneous at all! These things are not mutually exclusive damn it! If you're uncomfortable, say so. If you don't like me or something that I do, say so. I will try my best to address the issue head on with a bit of embarrassment, but honest humility. I'm not getting 'too old' for this, honesty and love shouldn't be assumed by age, they should be offered willingly by all and to all. What the heck is wrong with people these days? I spend so much energy on things that don't matter. I want to spend my energy on the things that do.

Holiday Time musing

So it's holiday time again and I've got a few thoughts on my mind I wanted to get out.
I just finished watching 'Elf' again (yay Zooey Deschanel!) and as absurd as it may sound, it gets me going sometimes right at the end when she starts singing 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.' You know why? well, because at that moment, everything is kind of just pure. Pure emotion whatever it may be, really affects. It's like trying to experience things like a child does. That child has no clue how to take his experience except from a completely pure and untainted state of mind. You can enjoy the wonder of the world for what it is, no pretense, no history to color your thoughts, just the moment. I know we've all experienced it before, just getting lost in the moment.
I've been listening to this singer (got it from Issa originally), Molly Lewis and the best i can describe, going along with this post, is that her music is just fun. That's it. and that's enough. =)

Sad day

So last night, around 10pm, my neighbor down on the corner, passed away. Him and his wife were the very first people that welcomed me to the neighborhood, even before my house was completed. He was a large and friendly gentleman, always willing to stop what he was doing and just shoot the shit as they say. He was a bit crass, but always always respectful and warm and him and his family make this neighborhood feel like home.
We don't usually get to pick our neighbors, but I can't say enough about the folks who have been placed by my side here and it's truly a sad day to have lost one so suddenly.
He had just celebrated his 25th wedding anniversary with his loving wife and she still calls him her best friend. Amazing. How absolutely lucky and blessed she is to have had 25 years and even in his last night, she told him he had stick around for at least another 20 years and although he had trouble speaking, he eeked out, "no, 70". I can only hope and pray to have even just a sliver of a moment of time with a love like that.
Say hello to Jesus for me Randy and pop a beer for me...

To the couple in 19A and B

Thank you for sharing your plane ride with me today! Isn't it funny how open and accommodating we all become when we're crammed up in small and uncomfortable quarters with the most stranger of the strangers out there?
If you don't believe that we as human beings long for connections and human interaction and belonging, then you really haven't sat next to anyone on a plane! It's amazing what we allow ourselves to share for the few little hours of our lives that we share with one another. Now granted, this can be a dangerous thing, but come on, go bungee jumping, live a little! Take a leap!
I've met some of the nicest people on planes and it really makes me put a little more hope in the human race when I do. There's so many people out there who don't give a d*mn about you and me and it's all me me me, but honestly, I like to think that's a small minority, and when I complete a plane ride as I did today, I am uplifted with a bit of hope.
So to John and Elaine from Jersey, thanks for the ride, I hope I was as much of a joy to your flight as you were to mine!