Online Dating, 'chemistry,' and what makes the world go round

I had a friend of mine send me an interesting question about online dating, 'chemistry,' and whatnot and, with her permission of course, I decided I would post up our thread here (all names except for mine were excluded to protect those involved =P)

Friend: So I need your opinion. Why do guys place such an emphasis on instant chemistry? Since you told me you didn't feel any chemistry, I heard that from 2 other guys. I have 3 girlfriends who are also trying online meeting/dating and they keep hearing the same thing!! These are gorgeous, intelligent, successful women, and men are so quick to blow out after a brief meeting. Sure, no doubt chemistry IS important, but I think for girls it's much more than that, and for us chemistry comes after just one meeting. What is it that guys are expecting? Do you think it's realistic? Or is it just hormones that drives a man, then they'll decide later on if the girl is halfway intelligent to date?

Me: Hey there! Well this isn't a small question and definitely not one that I think would be well contained in email, but I'll answer a bit here and then if you like, we can chat about it via phone if you would like to converse about it.
This is really a tough question because honestly, everybody is different. Yeah, not exactly what you want to hear, but it's true, and what drives a person to say that the 'chemistry' is not right means something different to everyone. Hell, even this weekend, i was talking with a girl and she explained about a 'hollywood, explosions' type of chemistry that she had only twice in her life and that's what she's allowing to guide her on her romantic path. 'hollywood explosions' I think is probably what everyone would ideally like to have, but a lot of us realize that this might not be quite reality all the time (and it doesn't tell us what everyday life is going to be like with that person, the little things). That may sound a little sad to the romantic in all of us, but honestly, getting to 'hollywood explosions' via another route is obviously totally viable (and what I believe you're talking about).
To have a true, deep connection with someone, instantly, is special. But it doesn't always have to be romantic. Now how scary is that? Not that it's not romantic, but that you would devote so much of your emotional capacity to someone whom you are not romantically involved with, yet, I think, personally, it's necessary, because the people who are in our lives, that we depend on and love, need to have some of that emotional capacity if we are truly to be complete in ourselves!
In any case, back to the question, a lot of men are most definitely driven by hormones and if they don't instantly feel physical, sexual attraction to a girl, that's enough to call it. That's not to say they're wrong because that is definitely an important part of any healthy relationship (personal opinion!), but some guys are looking for a lot more (at least the ones who are looking for something more long-term and worth a dime).
I can't tell you much of other people's search, but I can tell you that personally, I am looking for someone who I am definitely physically attracted to, but more important than that, someone who I have really great, intellectual AND completely stupid and base banter with, who I'm comfortable being myself with. Attraction definitely grows if there's a mental/emotional connection. I'm looking for a feeling (hooked on a feelingg... lala la) as i think most people are. I'm also looking for someone who's open and still feeling her way about the world and open to new experiences and is actively out there looking for them herself, someone who doesn't necessarily need to define herself by me and is comfortable in herself, knows who she is and where she wants to go and wouldn't mind having a companion along the road. That's obviously not something that a person just says out loud and you believe, but it's definitely something you can figure out fairly honestly with a good long conversation or conversations/experiences together. These are all things that I like in myself.
I've found that lately, I'm really happy with the person I am, right now. I'm comfortable with what I can and cannot do, who I am and who I am not. I want to feel like the woman I'm with is not necessarily at the exact same place in her life's journey, but somewhere pretty close where I am so that we can relate and continue along the path at roughly the same starting point. Now for a guy like me, I'm finding also that faith and not just faith, but my particular religion is important to me as well, and that's something that I want to be able to share and walk together with a person with as well and to be able to talk about those things openly and honestly are important qualities to find (this is one I'm struggling with specifically with someone in my life now)! Those are the things that I want to be able to see in a woman and those are the things that attract me. What is it for other guys? I can't tell you for certain unfortunately, but I can tell you that hopefully, the men that you and your friends are meeting feel somewhat like I do because otherwise, what's the point?
There are a lot, I mean a lot, of assholes out there (men AND women) and you and your girlfriends are just going to run into them over and over again. That's the process. Hopefully though, there are a few in there sprinkled in that aren't and are worth some of your emotional capacity whether it be romantic or friendly, because we all need both for sure.
So anyways, instant chemistry? well, i can't tell you what drives person A and person B, but I can tell you that if you know what you're looking for (honestly know), then chemistry isn't necessarily defined as an instant feeling, but one you can develop even over a long conversation or date based on what you can honestly say to yourself that you're looking for. It's not completely a checklist of attributes per se, but if that someone can start getting you to make a new checklist of things that only pertain to him (her), then well, maybe you've got something.
whew! long one, so anyways, feel free to chew that over and tell me what you think or how stupid you think I sound, etc etc, please feel free to be honest and open with me on it all! I'm happy to chat about it!

Friend: No, I completely agree with your points!! I think we're all looking at it that way. I wonder if it's online thing... To immediately stop talking to someone if you don't feel that instant spark. Neither my girlfriends nor I have run into this problem in our 15+ years of dating and online is the only new equation. Hmm, maybe this could be a book?!? Then i'll sell the book for a movie script!! Haha!!

Me: If you write it, I want some credit!
I think the online thing DOES put a new variable into the equation because you are presented with WAY more information about a person BEFORE you actually meet them in person than you ever have in the past. If you met someone for the first time in real life, you don't know anything about them, you have no way of preforming ideas of who this person is and what to compare it to.
With online, you have a LOT of information about the person and depending on their ability to write about themselves, you can get a REALLY good feel for what their personality MIGHT be in person - you essentially start off the relationship in a MUCH different point than if you were to just happen to meet randomly and that most definitely paints the situation differently. (you also have the situation where the person completely misrepresents himself/herself online and you figure that out pretty quickly too)


So anyways, any thoughts out there?